Perfectionism Bites

I’ve been noticing that some of my communications with my children smack of perfectionism. It bites. The first response I had to this realization was to feel anger and frustration with myself because I still have not accomplished the true unconditional loving communication I so strongly desire and intend. Now, that’s not totally true. In fact, in hindsight, I’d say that I run unconditional love – especially for my family -95% of the time. The truth is I’m impatient. I know who I want to be, but that is not what is coming out 100% of the time. I find my daily focus to be on all of the times I’ve fallen down. I revisit all of the times I’ve snapped or lost my temper, all of the times I’ve said things that I swore I would never repeat to my children in their lifetime, but I did. I watch myself do it, I feel it falling out of my mouth and feel hijacked as I fail to stop it. I apologize, but it’s out there. Out there to be taken on by them if they unconsciously choose to take it on. Can you unconsciously choose to do something? Well, who would consciously choose to take on the baggage of their parents that was unintentionally being doled out to them? No one in their right mind, but I do know that we can consciously choose not to take something on, so it must be an unconscious choice. That’s my logic, or lack thereof, if you so choose. I digress.

As I continue to flog myself for my intermittent failure to stop the flow of dung coming out of my mouth at various times of impatience and frustration, I have a sudden realization: I am not perfect. I will fall down. I will trip. I will stumble. I will fall flat on my face. I shall then pull myself upright, dust myself off and give myself another chance to do it the way I truly wish it to be done. Should I trip again, I will repeat the process until my intention overcomes the years, decades, perhaps centuries of habit that has been passed on to, and I have taken on as my way. Most importantly, I will forgive myself every time I communicate in a way that is other than the way I want to be. I will prevail. I must be patient with myself and love myself through the process. If I can’t do that, how can I ever expect to be patient with my children or my spouse? How can I ever expect to love them through their own process of growth and change? It starts here. It starts with me. It starts with my releasing perfectionism and allowing for my own mistakes, thereby allowing every one else their own mistakes. Perfectionism bites, not only me, but every one around me. Somehow that though inspires me to be more gentle with me, so I can be more loving with those I love.

Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself. Repeat.

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