Weathering the Storm

About 30 days ago, I made the decision to release all of my clients in my business and focus on my family and my own creation. I’ve known for some time that my business was not a creation of passion, but rather one of necessity. It served its purpose and was no longer supporting my livelihood in such a way that justified the amount of time I was focusing on my clients and, therefore, not being present for my children. So, I released it. This decision did not come lightly, as we weren’t exactly swimming in financial abundance, but we were making ends meet. We are now leaping without a net. I have a deep sense that all will be well, but my comfort zone is being challenged. I do, however, feel very strongly that I have a purpose on this planet and my business was not related to my purpose whatsoever. Before making this decision, I called a family meeting and asked what my family would be willing to risk for me to be doing what I love and loving what I do. The support and love melted my heart. The kids offered me their savings accounts and allowance, they were suggesting that we could sell the house, they were offering to get a job to contribute, etc. I was overcome.

Now comes the challenge. With my business no longer making money and my new ventures still in their initial stages, we are challenged with how to continue to make ends meet. So far, we’re still ahead, but it’s getting scary. As soon as it started to get scary, I fell into old patterns. I started stressing about money and that tends to flow down the chain until I’m taking it out on the kids. I’m sure I am not alone here. Then I lashed out at my husband, who incidentally is the most workin’ bass player I know, and started an argument spewing all sorts of crap in his direction. In the middle of it, I realized that we were playing into old patterns and it stopped me in my tracks. This is not the life I envisioned when I decided to stop doing what I didn’t like and start doing what I do like. I was making a choice. I was choosing to attach emotions to numbers. That’s all it is, this money business, it’s numbers. I trust in the flow. I trust that I can have the life I want. I trust that good will come to us, especially when we are pursuing a life of passion and are heart-based in our decisions. That all comes with a deep sense of knowing. The rest – the stress, the arguments, the anxiety – those are the work of my busy little mind being a scaredy cat.

I also have worked tirelessly to break a cycle around scarcity and lack and pass on to my children the belief in the unlimited abundance of the Universe. This is not easy to do when I’m still working through it myself, but I’m committed. I had been trying to hide certain things from them around money that might lend to the thought process that there isn’t enough. What I realized today was that the emotions around money, or lack thereof, is what is the most defining. I never wanted them to hear, “I can’t afford it,” so I was very careful with my words – and with my beliefs. The truth may be that I don’t have the money for it today, but that says nothing about tomorrow, or the day after, or next week. I don’t believe there is anything harmful in being truthful, but my emotions around it have a big impact. It I’m emotional about having to say no to one of their desires, I tend to get loud and frustrated and it comes out that I’m angry at them for asking. That’s not the truth, it’s just what comes out because I’m emotional. The truth is, I’m not their Source. I’m a source. Their Source is much bigger, more expansive and totally unlimited. So is mine.

The lesson isn’t really that they never hear, “No.” The lesson is that they learn that sometimes there are difficult situations, sometimes there are hard times, but we have the resources, strength and capability to weather the storm with grace, love, patience and joy. It’s all a choice in how we react to what is in front of us.

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