Stepping Through Denial

Once becoming aware that my actions are led by my thoughts, that I am responsible for all of my choices, and that my choices create the direction of my life, I was also faced with the awareness of when I am choosing denial. A few months ago I started having a lot of indigestion and stomach pain. There was a tiny thought deep inside that I distinctly chose to ignore. I set out a course to change my diet, insisting and therefore believing that was the cause of my discomfort. I had a rather sudden onset of nausea and fatigue, and – having heard that there was “something going around” – latched onto that as what was going on with me. This went on for 4 weeks, and as I was hearing that my symptoms paralleled that of others, I was convinced. This went on for 2 ½ months until my stomach began to swell. At this point, my husband recommended I get a pregnancy test. I was resistant. My children are 9 and 6 years old and I am 42. I had the complete family I wanted. I have a business that is thriving, I have a music career that is taking off, and as my children are totally out of diapers — I was done having babies. This was in exact alignment with my plan for our future. Nonetheless, there was another plan taking shape. The results: positive. I am definitely pregnant.

The mix of emotions was a bit overwhelming. I was too old. I was too overwhelmed. I would have to – once again – put my music on hold. My business would take up too much time to parent the way that I wanted to. In the middle of all of the nay-saying were thoughts of another beautiful baby. The fact is – I love being a mother. I love children and am passionate about raising them with passion, awareness, love, compassion. Then there were the self-deprecating thoughts around how I could be anything less than thrilled at the thought of a new child growing in my belly.

I felt myself slipping into there’s not enough time, energy, resources, etc. As a result of these thoughts…the Universe obliged and scarcity began showing up, therefore validating all of the “there’s not enough” thoughts I was having. I was caught in a spiral. BUT…not for long. The beauty of having done the inner work through the raising of my daughter and son and my desire to be an aware parent and individual, I immediately took a step back. When I see something in my life that I don’t like, I immediately (ok, sometimes not so immediately) take a step back and ask myself…”where are my thoughts?” “What am I focused on?” As I did so in this situation, I was immediately faced with the fact that I had been focusing on scarcity around this baby and it was playing out in all areas of my life.

I know and have a deep believe that I am fully supported. What I need always shows up albeit money, resources, friends…what ever I need. So, knowing that, I reframed what I’d been focusing on. What did I want? I want to travel the world with my family, playing music together, homeschooling, seeing the world, visiting and learning cultures, connecting with people, living in abundance, and loving life. Did it matter whether I did this with 2 or 3 children? No. I’m definitely energetic enough to keep up with another beautiful little soul that has come to grow with us, so where’s the problem? It’s all in my belief system. So I ask for help. I ask for the resources that I need to show up. Now…to trust.

With love,

Doreen

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